There's something really difficult about clearing things up that have been stewing for years. Difficult and rewarding. Or at least I hope it'll be rewarding in some way.

Has anyone else ever noticed that after a few years the way you feel about lost lovers and the way you feel about lost friends sorta gets blurred together? Maybe it's just me, afterall I'm just old enough to start having this problem.
It seems like honestly, when it's all said and done, they're all just people I loved in some way (not necessarily the way I thought at the time) and are now absent from my life.
I listen to music from various times (and times always seemed to be tracked by the people during them) and it's like I've discovered time travel. All of a sudden I'm riding in a van, I'm drinking Green Mountain coffee, I'm smoking Camels, I'm....anywhere. But I wonder if I'm the only one who gets like that, do they ever go back there? And do they ever smile if they do?

On a related note, I recently threw away shoeboxes full of memories. Throughout my social life I have kept key people in key places--shall we say I made them fit into a box. I used to take them out and look at all the stuff; ridiculous stuff really...notes, pictures, little keepsakes no one else would know mattered.
They were all in my storage unit from when I moved. I threw them out. They'd been ductaped shut. And so they shall remain. Because those people don't exist anymore. And neither does the person I was. It is not my sole responsibility to remember.
Come to find out, they remember too. (When I have the balls to ask.)


The French have a great way of saying I miss you. It seems much more fitting for what I'm trying to say.

I will still cry for the lack of you. I will still hold certain times we shared sacred. I will still look at the moon and wonder if it looks the same to you. I will still get angry with myself for not understanding why we have to be apart, and I will still get angry with you for not explaining it to me (even if it is my doing.)

That's just how it is. But I'm okay with it.

So. Things change once again. But I will not be depressed about it. I will not be depressed about leaving our apt because we couldn't pay rent. I will not be depressed about not being able to pay rent because I can't work due to health. Nope.
Instead I'm going to be grateful that the universe has pushed me into moving forward, and even more grateful that I have the wisdom to be pushed only in directions I choose. We're going to move to a place we like. I'm going to get healthy in so many ways. I'm going to be happy.

That's the direction I choose. Happy.

Well. The new job is awesome--everyone is so nice, their policies are admirable (for a corporation), the benefits rock. It's a lot of info to retain. I go on the phones next Friday and I'm terrified. It'll be fine, I'm just stressed.

Mike's been getting used to having more free time. We've watch a movie every night when I get home and it's a nice intro to being home with him. It still seems strange to me that I have a home since the only home I've ever known was my mothers. I like it though. I like it a lot.
We had to get a Domestic Partnership this morning so I could get him on my health plan. We're now legally going out. *amused smile* I hate pieces of paper like that.

I feel like I'm becoming the person I wanted to be. That's a very satisfied-in-the-soul kinda feeling.

Also I'm reading a book about Psychic Vampires that's fascinating and informative.

Chad et mon frèrej phone calls are heading your way as soon as I get my T-Mobile plan.

Excited about the new job. Worried about the amount of info I'll have to retain. I should be fine I think.

Mike and I are doing quite well. It makes me happy.

Mon frère: notre mère voudrait parler avec toi soon. (was that at all correct? it's been so long) then again, so would I which will be possible soon.


In other news I have discovered CounterStrike. It's all over folks

I gave my 2 weeks notice last week. I will soon be working for the cell phone company T-Mobile taking in calls and assisting customers with their problems.
I get to wear whatever I want, Mike and I will recieve full health and dental, they pay 11.75 and hour and I get to sit all day (which is very good for my body right now). I am satisfied with these prospects.

Mike and I have been doing pretty well lately. That's happy all around. We had 2 of my coworkers over for poker and drinking. It was fun. They informed us of what we already knew--we're lucky to have the relationship that we do.

I'm learning to be more assertive less frightened by needless things. I'm learning to communicate better and with more ease, with others and with myself.

I sent a letter to my father. That was...interesting. It went pretty well I think. He read it, seemed to understand, we discussed it very briefly and I was a 20 yr old woman in front of him for the first time. I respect myself for that and it's about time.

The weather has turned warm which somehow reminds me of how grateful I am not to be in school. Also, I love warm weather and am being spoiled by it here. Hopefully when the time comes I can stand to live in cold again.

I might learn to drive now that I've found the required birth certificate.

Things are looking hopeful and there's nothing I love more than hope. I remember things I wanted as a younger girl and I have forgotten what it was I created to stand in my way.

IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST,
I want to know 20 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other.
I really don't. You are obviously on my list, so let me know with whom I am friends!


1.Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:


HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

So I'm trying to remember who I was and who I wanted to be.

We'll see.

Someday I'll be enough for someone. And that someone will be me and nothing else will matter.

I had a good birthday.

Celebrating new.

So. I sit with an hour left of being a teen. Technically, since I was born in NY I already am 20.

Twenty.

Two decades.

Wars begin and end in 20 years. I imagine at some point an empire rose and fell in 20 years. People are chained and set free in 2 decades.
And people grow up and grow out.

In twenty years what have I learned? *sits and stares at the screen while Jeff Buckley plays in the background* I think I've lived an all right life so far really. Trauma, addiction, abandonment, regret. Joy, freedom, love, peace. Isn't it funny how the bad things happen to us but the good things we have to make. Maybe that means that who we are is better than the world around us.
There are people I never thought I'd lose, and people I never thought I'd find.
I have forgiven my father as much as I'm capable of.
I have created a relationship with my brother who was here 10 years earlier.
I have given love and pain equally I think.
I have overcome the darkest of my shadows, or at least started to love them.
I have danced.

Really, for only two decades I think I've done pretty well for myself. And possibly, on my better days, for those around me.

It's hard not to get caught up in personal events lately.

I'm coming back down, or up. I guess I'm coming back up.

Tomorrow marks the conquering of 20 years.

That's quite an accomplishment.

Alan and I broke up. Long story I prefer to explain with a voice instead of characters on a screen.

I ended up in the hospital.

Those two are no connected (I don't think) and I wasn't there long.

Shit's been crazy lately.

Crazy.

I've been trying to keep it together.
Trying and possibly not doing so well,
but not so horribly either.
You know how it goes.

I'm trying the honest approach now.
We'll see.

It's odd how some things are so easily broken.

It brings me back to the theory I keep going back to time and time again...
the very things that make you happiest and keep you going
are the things that drop you to your knees.

I'm probably going to start scanning photos I've taken
and then put them on a deviantart thing so you can all see my new friends.
Maybe.

I'm going to counseling with Mom on Wed.
Seeing as how my counselor and I had a falling out
(which might be indicative of a few things)
and Mom really gets along with hers.

Haven't spoken avec mon frère in quite some time.
Must do something about that.

I've been working and eating and sleeping and thinking and smoking.

That's about all really.

Tomorrow I have a long shift at work.

Tomorrow I have to call OTC and make an appt with and advisor.

I really wish Jonathan would come home so we can eat.

I'm doing much better with money now. yay.



I slept in and it was wonderful.

I've been rehashing the past a lot lately. Not the way I usually do though. Talking with Jonathan, who knows of my past only what I offer, causes me to see it in a different light. A more distanced light.
Recent events make me see everything in a different light.

I wonder how I got to be approaching 20 years of age. Things are so....not what I thought they would be and yet so perfectly what they should be even if I don't want to admit it. Or necessarily like it.

I feel like I'm at, or reaching, a couple of forks in the road. I have not done well with these things before. I'm trying to do better this time, which I guess is all I really can do. It seems that as I get older the consequences are more...real. More serious.

Life's been crazy. For the past week, life's been crazy.

Seems like it has been for everyone I know.

I'm holding my head above water, that's about all I can say though.

All my beliefs...all my...everything...it's all just....*sigh*

I dunno.

And everyone's got an opinion, everyone's got their own angle.

The only thing I don't know is what mine is.

So the walls close in as they always do. As they probably always will. So much to think about and so little I know how to do.

Why do I always end up wishing, more than I wish anything else, that I was all the things I'm not.

But still, I do.

I think about all the things and people I wish were in my life. And then realize this moment, which has been repeated often enough to be the annoying theme song, might be why everything's gone.

There's a lot going on inside and enough going on outside to make things really interesting. Very odd time of life I've found myself in.

My moods have been up and down lately. I talked to mon frère hier soir, that was comforting in some way I hadn't been expecting.

We have people over tonight and will probably end up watching a movie.

I'll update a lot some time later.

So. Recapping how horrible of a bitch I was to someone I really cared about was.....depressing last night. My flatmate and I sat around and had quite the memory exchange.
I hate those moments when you realize that no amount of regret or being sorry will ever be enough. Regardless of how sincere it is.


My moods have been wierd lately. I'd like to chalk it up to hormones, but I'm not sure it is.

Just to let everyone know, I have finally gotten a gmail account and those of you that I know have one too have been added. I will still check my yahoo account.